Help! I really need your opinion on this poem!?

A thought for each car that passes by,

A moving metal story, travelling,

To the next chapter.

All across the dirtied paper road.

I thought the world a rubix cube.

Jumbled up colours, waiting to be solved.

And there’s a knack.

They want the black squares,

To match the other black squares.

The white squares of course,

Must be side by side with their white peers.

The tan squares, with tan.

I wondered what would happen

If trees too, tried to solve themselves.

Green with green

The flowers may find a problem

In all their magnitude

Cornflowers snubbing the violets

Asia’s wildlife arranging itself in lines

Fish in all their various shades

I wondered what would happen

I looked down at my ice cold hands

And was surprised to see

They were blue.





Any thoughts for improvement? Much needed! Thank you.

Help! I really need your opinion on this poem!?
I would hold the first 4 lines for a different work. Not that they're not good, they just don't seem to belong here; they don't correspond with the theme you developed through the rest of the poem. You never come back to that "moving metal story" image, or tie it into the "Rubik's cube" metaphor.



You might also consider breaking this into stanzas. The structure would sort of break up the work into the different ideas.



I think this would work pretty nicely:

First, drop lines 1-4. Then...

Stanza 1= lines 5-12

Stanza 2 = lines 13-20

Stanza 3 = lines 21-24

(there's a nice balance there as well -- 8 lines, 8 lines, 4 lines)



Finally, "rubix cube" is a misspelling. The toy was named after a person (Rubik), and is thus spelled "Rubik's Cube."



Nice work, overall.
Reply:I loved it. It was very interesting
Reply:Ahh I am not sure where you are going with this. Well the part from the rubix cube down I can see something forming...but your beginning is throwing me off. I am very interested to see where you are going with this bc I was intrigued with the idea that everything "solves" its self. I have to say great concept. I would take out the beginning or relate it more to your concept. Your blue hands? where does that fit...are you cold? I am not sure what "blue" represents here, so you could make that clearer. You gave great ideas starting with the cube,to trees, followed by flowers and fish...I would give more examples and then give a strong finish. I am so anxious to see where you take this. GREAT START!!



Write on!!



Earth



please reach out and let me know when you have edited this piece.....loving the concept.
Reply:Sorry, I read the first 5 lines and gave up.



My one and only suggestion: Try a different opening, other than,



A thought for each car that passes by,

A moving metal story, travelling,

To the next chapter.



It literally made me say, "yuck".
Reply:I freakin loved it. I loved the symbolism and thought it was actually rather deep. You were talking about racism and color right? It's a very good poem.
Reply:AWSOMO