How is this poem.......................?

What do you think about it and how can I improve it?



A stream flows from the writer's mind

through pen unto his paper

thoughts pass steady as morning light

through obstructing branches

for something lost

hidden deep down in murkiness

he searches the heavenly clouds

and the deepest oceans

the exotic wilderness of the human mind

lush, rich and evergreen throughout winter



Beneath the bushes he scours,

to find many missing songs

the cloud rains its words

heart is drawn in letters

shakes, the tree, of its green and dying leaves

mountains turned to reveal its unpleasant side

but a perfumy scent marks an uplifting taste

he rids of his piercing thorns

and hundreds of blossoming flowers



Its feelings pour unto the paper,

washing it of its emptiness

All that was hidden has unveiled itself

paper drinks elixir from the writer's heart

Writer's soul manifests itself on a piece of paper

reincarnated, it lives

A dull paper is now the writer,

Fallen rose finally blooms

in a new horizon's sun

melting the ice,

heart emptied out

he hangs himself and dies.

How is this poem.......................?
To be honest, I think the metaphors are very laboured and do not compliment one another to create a stronger theme. The general tone and final lines in particular come over as rather self-pitying, which is never interesting and usually has the opposite effect from that the writer intended.



You sound pretty young to me and most people with any kind of literary interest write overly earnest poetry at some time or another. It doesn't mean you won't write good poetry in the future - and if it is genuinely helping you to think through your feelings that's fine - but poetry that truly reaches other people needs more work and more insight.



Possibly you could try writing something that surprises you; whatever, I suspect you need to seek out some genuinely great poetry that touches you then work out why.
Reply:it depends on what you think i mean it is your poem and poetry is suppose to express one persons feelings and opinions. personally i like it but that's a matter of opinion.
Reply:it's nice...... very claming i guess...... make it a lil' shorter
Reply:ouch...I don't really like this poem...kinda dull.
Reply:hey it's a BEAUTIFUL poem (i write poems too, myself), The one improvement req. is probably u can make it shorter and cut out a few metaphors: from mountains turned .............. to blossoming flowers. they don't relate very well to the theme.
Reply:how can i answer this question,i hanged my self teen years back after reading a similar poem.